With it being World Suicide Prevention Day, I felt compelled to share my story.
TRIGGER WARNING: This blog post discusses suicide. Please be mindful of your own mental health before and after reading.
Suicidal ideation is something I’ve dealt with since I was a freshman in college. I didn’t feel these feelings as a high schooler or younger child. Maybe it was because I was too consumed with making everyone else happy and being the “happy” kid.
My first suicide attempt happened when I was 18. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was failing my classes, close to having to pay back financial aid to the college I was attending, and exhausted beyond belief. I was working full-time, going to school full-time, and driving from my home in Ocala, Florida, to Tampa and back—a three-hour round trip—sometimes three times a week to attend Tampa Bay Lightning games. Hockey makes me so incredibly happy, so honestly, that part was truly worth it because going to those games saved my life.
Looking back now, I wasn’t ready to live alone and do life alone at 18. After all, I was sexually assaulted only two years before my suicide attempt, so I never really healed from it or even talked about it with anyone. That trauma was affecting my life so deeply that I could not physically or mentally handle it. That trauma, coupled with trying to work full-time and go to school full-time, ended up being the combination that almost broke me.
Through undergrad, I struggled with these endless thoughts about not wanting to be around anymore. I didn’t really know what was wrong with me. I had been in and out of countless emergency rooms and couldn’t figure out why I always wished for my own death and thought about dying.
Since I am sharing my story, I want to be completely transparent with anyone who reads this. To this day, I still struggle with passive suicidal ideation. It got better for a while, and then it came back with a vengeance. For me, my trauma and suicidal ideation are connected. Trauma causes me to no longer want to be around. The trauma and suicidal ideation combination is something I continue to work through.
Unfortunately, I had a more recent attempt. I reached out to my therapist, and she helped me through everything. To be honest, I should have gone to the hospital, and it was a mistake that I didn’t. Please, as hopeless as it may feel sometimes, talk about this with someone and seek help. Help is out there. Talking about suicide can save your life.
I want to make sure I say this: My life has gotten so much better since my first attempt in college. Some people might look at this and think, “If she attempted again, how are things better?” That is a fair question. Maintaining your mental health is so much more nuanced than that. Healing isn’t linear.
I feel a lot of hope even though I still struggle with suicidal thoughts. I’ve found my passion in running. I’ve even run seven marathons! Finding running has saved my life. I have friends and a support system who I can reach out to. I monitor my medications and try new doses or other medications if what I am on isn’t working. I am trying so hard to manage my mental health instead of letting it get to the point where I am attempting to end my own life.
I do have some coping skills I use, and I am seeing a therapist weekly to help me better manage my mental health. Mental health recovery isn’t cut and dry. The important thing to realize is that I am not alone. A lot of people have to manage their mental health daily. Just like my physical health, my mental health requires ongoing attention. It’s a lifelong process, and it is okay to talk about it. I am always trying to reach out more. I, too, can feel ashamed of my feelings, but I know my feelings and thoughts are not bad. For me to get better, I have to ask for help.
I am still trying to reach more, but, sometimes, I don’t feel safe to reach out. I’ve been ignored before, not taken seriously. So, I understand why others might not reach out for help. Some people may not reach out for help because there is so much stigma around mental illness and mental health in general. Some people feel ashamed to reach out. Some have even reached out and were ignored, like me.
If you’re struggling, don’t let anyone tell you that asking for help isn’t going to help you. This isn’t true because you’re worth so much more than that. Support and recognition are your basic rights.
Talking About Suicide Saves Lives
If your loved one reaches out to you and tells you they are struggling, be there for them like you’d want someone to be there for you. This is a HUGE thing for someone to open up to you about their own suicidal thoughts. Don’t shut the conversation down. Talking about suicide might feel awkward and uncomfortable, but it can save lives. When someone considers ending their life, it can be because they have tried desperately not to feel the way they are feeling and, in their minds, have exhausted every option. YOU need to reach out to your struggling loved ones. Have they been isolating recently? Do they have intense mood swings, or are they depressed? There are warning signs.
It’s important to mention that suicide is in no way a means to get attention. If someone is suffering from thoughts of wanting to end their life and decides to be vulnerable enough to tell someone, understand that this is a cry for help. Loved ones need to honor that. It’s okay not to know what to say. These aren’t easy conversations to have. The most important thing is to make sure you listen to your loved one and take what they are telling you seriously.
Here’s a helpful resource if you’re struggling or trying to support someone who is:
Reaching Out for Help: #RealConvo about Your Mental Health!
World Suicide Prevention Day is September 10. But truly, suicide prevention is an everyday act. Listen with compassion and without judgment.
If you’ve been struggling with suicidal ideation, help is out there. Talk to someone you care about and trust. If you’re comfortable, tell them exactly how you feel. Being honest and open will help you get the care you need. For anyone who is struggling, here is a helpful resource about reaching out: Reaching Out for Help: #RealConvo about Your Mental Health!
Here’s another vital resource for “in the moment” help when you have intense emotions. I’ve used this, and it is quite helpful. I Need Help Now.
It gets better. You deserve to stay.
Here are some resources:
988
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME or HOLA to 741741
24/7 Suicide Hotline for Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Youth: The Trevor Project: Call 1-866-488-7386 or text START to 678-678.
Disaster Distress Helpline: Call or text 1-800-985-5990 (press 2 for Spanish).
Veterans Crisis Line: 988, then select 1, or Crisis Chat, or text 838255.
Are there other resources to add to this list? Let me know in the comments. I will be adding a resources page soon.
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